1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class becauseit was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium-at-large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now aseasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
22. When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Less known laws of nature
Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.
Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Eiler's law of found comfort: When discovering perfect position for comfortable sitting is found, shifting of position will be necessary within 20 seconds.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.
Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Eiler's law of found comfort: When discovering perfect position for comfortable sitting is found, shifting of position will be necessary within 20 seconds.
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